Confession: Non-Graduate of HG

07/December/2006 07:17 Filed in: HG Schools

Hello. I am sorry that this is a bit lengthy, I tried to make it as short as possible because I know you are probably busy. But I know that this is something God has asked me to do, so I am stepping out. I don't know if you remember who I am. I didn't get to talk to you a whole lot. So I am sending a picture along with this email just so you will know who you are talking to. :) I came to school the first year. Hm, I'm not sure how to go about saying all of this, so I ask God to help me with words that are so limited and to help you understand what I am saying and to see my heart in this.

Well, I went to school the first year, and I had really rough times. It was not what I expected, but when is it ever what we expect when God takes control? But anyways, God really, really put me in some fire, the baptism of fire, the wilderness, to burn Egypt (the world) out of our hearts as Lesley-Anne taught us about in school one day. I knew this was what was going on too. I knew He was in control of it all, that this was His doing. But it was still very hard to trust in the midst of it. He really did kill so much in me, so that when I came back, people saw how different I was. I didn't realize it, because you cannot see yourself; but friends and family saw and told me how different I was, so this was encouraging.

Anyways, I don't want to get off the point. So as I was in this fire, I messed up. I did things that were not in my heart to do. I ran to other things besides God. Because yes, in the fire, things come to the surface, and I was dealing with a whole lot all at once, and the living conditions and everything added to the intensity. I understand that this was a different experience for everyone, and this is what it was for me. And I want to be honest and real with you. I ran to other things besides God, like the Pemba Beach Hotel for instance. I ran there quite often. Wasted way too much money. Knew I shouldn’t have been doing that, but I did. And at different times in my life since I was a child, I've always had a pull of the spiritual realm coming from both sides (good and bad). What I mean by that is not exactly witchcraft, but along these lines. And so just being in Pemba also brought a lot of this stuff to the surface. I mean, even in the first few nights I was there I had many dreams and "not-asleep-but-not-awake experiences" that were not good. And it was out of my control. And I didn't really have anyone to talk to because I didn't know anyone. And when I was under the tent, I always felt left out from what God was doing. And this confusion would cloud my mind every time I went under the tent. And that made me not want to be there. So, especially towards the middle/end, I stopped going to school. I gave up on myself, on God. And so I didn't graduate. And this was very hard to swallow, being at the graduation and not graduating. I felt like a complete failure. I felt like I failed not only God but my parents and church at home because they supported me with so much love and prayers. All of this was so hard because none of this was my heart, but my pain, exposed to people around me who didn't even know me.

And this was another thing God killed in me, fear of man. So in the end He proved Himself faithful despite my failures and despite everything, and He showed me what was going on and how much He worked, just not in the way I expected, at all. I know that God has told me to do this, to share everything with you, and to apologize for breaking some of the rules in school. There were a few nights, 3 times, that I drank alcohol, and this was not until close to the end, and I smoked a pack of cigarettes too. Old stuff that I had not done in a long while. And the fact that I did it, even though I was doing it, my heart was crushed and I was totally disappointed in myself, feeling like a complete failure, like I failed in every way imaginable. Feeling like I missed God. And so for that, I apologize. These things were not in my heart to do, at all, but were from my pain, and I know this does not excuse it, and that's not what I'm trying to do. But I do want to be real and honest because this is what God wants me to do. And I go through all of this because I am asking if I can have another chance at graduating, at attending the school and graduating. I know it would not be right of me to ask this without being completely open to you and others on staff there. And I know that this is what God has shown me to do. But He has to show you that too. I understand this completely. And so this is a little crazy to me because my mind says, "This is wrong to say all of this stuff and then to ask to go to the school again." But I can't listen to my mind, I have to trust that God's going to show you guys what to do - either way.

I know that He has to do it, and I only want what He wants. So I am stepping out in all of this and I hope that God has shown you my heart and what I am trying to say. I am truly sorry for what I did, and I want to apologize to Iris staff even though it has been over a year since I've been home from Mozambique. I tried not to make this so long because I know you probably busy, but thank you for taking the time to read this and sow into my life regardless, because God has completely changed me. You can let me know what you are thinking honestly because I just want what God wants. Thank you for everything.

Love,
-Elizabeth